Balancing Needs in an Introvert and Extrovert's Relationship

Introverts and extroverts have a vast variety of preferences that can differ when assessing how they like to recharge their energy. Anything from the amount of alone time they would like to receive from their partner, to how large or small they prefer their social circle to be. For introverts and extroverts alike, these preferences influence where they get their energy from, and the happiness that it brings them!

In a relationship, it is essential to address how you and your partner identify, being titled as an introvert or extrovert, or anything in between! Often, lifestyles can differ between the two, so when you are dating or married to the opposite, it isn’t always easy! Balance is key here to identifying a healthy relationship with your partner.

Take a look at Alycia Toohey, LMFT, and Clinical Director of PCC’s, scenario to understand how slight changes can make all the difference for an introvert and extrovert in a relationship.

Scenario: Communication in an Introvert and Extrovert Relationship

“I need my space,” says the wife as her husband sits on the couch next to her looking befuddled. He states “How much space do you need? We are already in separate bedrooms”. My wife turns to me and says, “I just don’t feel like I ever have enough space.”

As they look to me for the answers to their quandary, I think about the last thing they stated. It feels as though they have no idea that one is an introvert and the other is an extrovert. The need for the wife to have a space to herself without restrictions or expectations confuses the husband who just wants to spend time with her when he is home.

They look uncomfortable with the silence I have given them to collect my thoughts. I expressed, after some time, that they seemed to have a different way of looking at the same issue. They looked at me questioningly and I explained

“Have you ever felt like ‘Man I cannot wait to get home to see my spouse to talk about my day and ask them about theirs?’” The husband perked up and nodded. The wife continued to look uncomfortable. I further stated, “But the other person just wants to have a time-out as soon as they get home?”

They both appeared to be interested now. I continued, “One person in the relationship loves to talk and the other feels the need to recede for a time before they can talk?” They both look at me and then look at each other and nod in unison.

“This is because one of you needs the solace of alone time to feel their happiness cup being full after being drained by the day, the introvert, and the other needs to contact to fill their happiness cup, the extrovert. So with this, both of you need to know what the other needs while respecting and making space for your differences in needs because this will help each of you be the partner the other needs.”

The next week they come in and are in a different mood entirely. They report taking the first ten minutes after getting home from work to have time to rest and clean up from the day. Then, the next ten minutes they spend telling each other about their day. They stated they do try to change it up every other day so that one person does not feel they are always second and things are the most equal they can make it.

The husband stated he is enjoying the quiet time more than he thought he would, and the wife stated she feels better when she can have that time to rest and recharge and is more willing to talk knowing she can have her peace too.

Finding Harmony in Needs

In the example above the husband and the wife both needed different things to feel fulfilled, but they realized they really could give these things to each other with a small adjustment to their daily rituals. The change may have been small, but the effects have been long-lasting and the feeling of being heard has been a boon to the wife. She is also now looking forward to the chats with her husband and they are learning more about each other than they knew before. The husband stated that quiet time is also a good way for him to organize the things he would like to talk about when they can chat.

For a relationship with an introvert and an extrovert to work they both need to be aware of the other’s needs and be willing to have some discomfort to help the other person. However, what has been noticed is that as they help each other with their needs they can see the other person grow and change to be a more complete being.

Key Takeaways

Being in a relationship takes balance, no matter how similar or different the partner’s preferences are! Awareness, understanding, and compromise can mold this healthy balance, just like in the example above.

Awareness

Being aware of how your partner prefers to gather their energy is the first step. Again, there is a spectrum of introverted or extroverted-ness that they could fall in between. Everyone is individual, and being honest and asking your partner their preferences is a great start! 

Understanding

Then, one must gain an understanding of why their partner’s preferences might differ, and how to best treat each other daily based on this understanding, without judgment. 

Compromise

Finally, the couple can then develop compromises that prioritize both of their needs, leaving each feeling not only recognized, but healthily fulfilled! 

 

 

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Practice these takeaways with your partner to strengthen your bond and find a deeper, mutual understanding. We encourage you to check out our other blogs and resources for further information and exercises to practice along your journey to move forward happier and holistically healthier!